ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
