I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
