i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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