He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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