We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
