We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
