That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
