I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I'm gonna fight the coyote
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
