I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
