woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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