Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
