life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
