is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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