based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
