And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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