I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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