i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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