Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
