i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
