Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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