I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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