Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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