I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
