Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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