A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
two words: eviction party
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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