i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I wish there were birth control emojis
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
