i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Randomize
