What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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