You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize