I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
