remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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