He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
