I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
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