When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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