I'm sorry my penis didn't work
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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