I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize
