Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
