Who wears a wallet chain?!
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Randomize
