i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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