i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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