New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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