Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
