If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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