Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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