You were right. It hurts to walk today.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Randomize
