Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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