I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
