I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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