I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
