my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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