Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
