Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
