My underwear smells like fireworks.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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