I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
