So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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