Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
