whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
